A Woman’s Agony on “Long Distance Relationship”

A letter from an annonymous reader:

Dear Arda,

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship since we started. Though I am not completely satisfied with the idea, but this is how we met so I am trying my best to get used to it. He kept telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me, but I can't help but feel that I make all the sacrifices in this relationship in terms of visiting and prioritizing. I visited him together with our friends this summer just to be with him even for a few days. When I was there, I extremely understood that he had some compromises during those times so he had to attend to his so-called commitments before me. We were inseparable in private but surprisingly, he didn’t want to show affection in public. He has beautiful plans of having a successful future and family. But never did I hear that it was me whom he will marry someday. He said that he’d someday find time to visit me and meet my family as soon as he finds enough resources required. We met through a “sort of” dating network. I often find myself giggling every time he sends me something “sweet” posted on my page like a “quote” or tags with sweet pictures and the likes, only to find out that he also sends them to some of his other female friends on net. It hurts because he seems to treat me like “just” one of his common friends. I only found this out accidentally at first, but later on, I randomly check on his female friends’ page just to see his interest on them. During these times, I gave him the “benefits of the doubt” so I kept telling myself that he’s just being friendly. The sad part is that every time I do this, I am being masochist, hurting myself. Jealousy became part of my daily interaction with him but barely let him see it. I know for a fact that I am not his priority and I absolutely understand this. However, I am not comfortable with this set up and with the kind of treatment he is throwing at me. For several times, I am tempted to end this relationship to let him feel my importance but I know myself, once I said goodbye, it’s for good. No turning back.

Do you think he really loves me? Any inputs will be appreciated.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
May

Arda’s reponse:

Dear May,

I can relate to your problem because I am also a woman who wants attention from her partner. Giving him the benefits of the doubt is a good part despite everything else. I can see that he loves you, but coming from your own words, you are just being treated as one of his common friends, never a lover. Accept the fact that he doesn’t love you the way you love him.

Try to talk to your boyfriend about your agony and from his reaction, reevaluate and weight things up. See what he has to say; it may lead you to an understanding or it may show you that you're better off breaking up, but at least you'll know that you did what you could.

You don’t deserve to be feeling desperate about the relationship, much more that you don’t deserve to be neglected and be on his last list. If it is already hurting you and never will make you any happier, then end your relationship and move on. Don’t waste your time to something you’re not sure of. Life is beautiful and you’re missing a lot spending it to something depressing.

At any rate, remember that long distance relationships are grueling, and don't force yourself to do something that just doesn't work for you. Lastly, it is still “you” who know and can feel if it is really time to end your relationship with your boyfriend or live up to what he is capable of.

God bless you!

Arda