A Woman’s Agony on “Long Distance Relationship”

A letter from an annonymous reader:

Dear Arda,

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship since we started. Though I am not completely satisfied with the idea, but this is how we met so I am trying my best to get used to it. He kept telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me, but I can't help but feel that I make all the sacrifices in this relationship in terms of visiting and prioritizing. I visited him together with our friends this summer just to be with him even for a few days. When I was there, I extremely understood that he had some compromises during those times so he had to attend to his so-called commitments before me. We were inseparable in private but surprisingly, he didn’t want to show affection in public. He has beautiful plans of having a successful future and family. But never did I hear that it was me whom he will marry someday. He said that he’d someday find time to visit me and meet my family as soon as he finds enough resources required. We met through a “sort of” dating network. I often find myself giggling every time he sends me something “sweet” posted on my page like a “quote” or tags with sweet pictures and the likes, only to find out that he also sends them to some of his other female friends on net. It hurts because he seems to treat me like “just” one of his common friends. I only found this out accidentally at first, but later on, I randomly check on his female friends’ page just to see his interest on them. During these times, I gave him the “benefits of the doubt” so I kept telling myself that he’s just being friendly. The sad part is that every time I do this, I am being masochist, hurting myself. Jealousy became part of my daily interaction with him but barely let him see it. I know for a fact that I am not his priority and I absolutely understand this. However, I am not comfortable with this set up and with the kind of treatment he is throwing at me. For several times, I am tempted to end this relationship to let him feel my importance but I know myself, once I said goodbye, it’s for good. No turning back.

Do you think he really loves me? Any inputs will be appreciated.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
May

Arda’s reponse:

Dear May,

I can relate to your problem because I am also a woman who wants attention from her partner. Giving him the benefits of the doubt is a good part despite everything else. I can see that he loves you, but coming from your own words, you are just being treated as one of his common friends, never a lover. Accept the fact that he doesn’t love you the way you love him.

Try to talk to your boyfriend about your agony and from his reaction, reevaluate and weight things up. See what he has to say; it may lead you to an understanding or it may show you that you're better off breaking up, but at least you'll know that you did what you could.

You don’t deserve to be feeling desperate about the relationship, much more that you don’t deserve to be neglected and be on his last list. If it is already hurting you and never will make you any happier, then end your relationship and move on. Don’t waste your time to something you’re not sure of. Life is beautiful and you’re missing a lot spending it to something depressing.

At any rate, remember that long distance relationships are grueling, and don't force yourself to do something that just doesn't work for you. Lastly, it is still “you” who know and can feel if it is really time to end your relationship with your boyfriend or live up to what he is capable of.

God bless you!

Arda

Understanding Women’s Ways of Being Beautiful

Asked in an interview, a sexy 30 year-old celebrity mother, answered why she remains young-looking and sexy, responded, “Positive thinking and time management, I have always had a positive outlook even when we (couple) were having problems — part of a couple’s continuing adjustment process, you know. Being in showbiz and being a family woman is very complicated, so it helps to have a positive attitude. Peace of mind for both of us, I have my own world and he has his own.”

Let me summarize some points to ponder in staying beautiful:
1. Positive Thinking –
No matter how difficult life seems to be, be optimistic and hope for the best.
2. Taking Power Naps -
Even if you don’t seem to have enough time to sleep, find time to take a nap whenever possible to boost the energy.
3. Taking Vitamins –
Find ways to know the right vitamins for you, depending on your needs. You may ask your doctor about this.
4. Pray a lot –
Taking everything in prayer leads to a more constructive result. There’s no doubt about talking to the Supreme One whenever you don’t have anywhere else to go. So why not make this a habit.
5. Taking Good Care of Yourself -
No matter how busy you are, don’t forget to take care of yourself. You must love yourself so you can love others too.
6. Proper Diet –
Make sure you don’t take so much cholesterol that adds up to fats causing illnesses like hypertensions, heart diseases, etc.
7. Regular Exercise –
Take a walk at least 10-15 minutes a day. If you go to work or school everyday, you must be grateful taking a walk going to the terminal.

It makes a difference if you enjoy what you’re doing. This is where your brighter side comes in. Like for example if you don’t like doing the traditional exercises, try dancing. I love dancing so I use this privilege to have exercise that I need.

Being beautiful is not only the physical thing, it is also how you feel about yourself. Feel and think you are a beautiful person, and then you will glow and look one.

Understanding Woman's Temper

How dangerous can a woman’s temper be? Temper tantrums is a scary thing, considering that most women can hit and kick just as hard as men do, especially when adrenaline kicks in. They are just conditioned to not let the guys know this, simply because the image should remain. That women are soft and breakable and men are resistant to pain. This isn’t true either, and should not be an excuse for a woman to hurt her partner.
When a woman is already hurting her partner physically, it's not a tantrum. Physical violence is something else that should be treated psychologically. Anything violent should not be tolerated and can be a form of abuse. Children throw tantrums. Women and men do not throw tantrums if they've actually grown up. So I conclude, tantrums apply to people who have not grown up.
How do we define temper? Temper is a state of mind regarding calmness or anger. A term referring to a current state or display of temperament, commonly used in a negative context– eg, “She has a real bad temper today.”

There are many factors that affect a woman’s temper, some are as follows:

1. Hormonal Changes during Pregnancy -

Pregnancy affects each woman differently. Hormonal changes during pregnancy can indeed cause mood changes, starting from anxiety or agitations to developing major clinical symptoms of depression. There are physical development during pregnancy, thus pain is also present which collaborates to mood swings.

2. Depression -

When you are in a depression episode you don't eat well, avoid showers, which obviously affects the health. This is the reason why sometimes we feel sick even if we are not. Oftentimes, depression leads to suicidal thoughts too, because depression reaches the brain to be down and hopeless. It is just important, whether for a man or a woman, to know how to control their emotions and get away with it.

3. PMS -

Women may experience emotional and physical changes prior to menstruation. The medical term for these changes is "premenstrual syndrome," commonly called PMS. Premenstrual emotional and physical changes occur in nearly 80% of menstruating women, associated with PMS, ranging from breast tenderness to nausea to anger and irritability. Any physical changes affect the mood of a person.

4. Breaking the Woman’s Rules -

When something incredibly stupid is done to cause harm, a woman’s temper is no different than a man's. Anyone who gets hurt, physically or emotionally, can trigger its brainwaves to produce anger.

5. Childhood Experience -

Anybody who grew up with an environment where people express themselves with anger would be acting the same, most likely in dealing with stress or any kind of depressions. For someone who easily gets angry maybe a product of his/her childhood way of getting someone’s attention.

Whatever it is causing your partner to have the bad temper, it is important that you know how to deal with it. First, never gone wild with her. Second, avoid doing the things that make her angry over and over again. Others would advice that if a wife gets angry, the husband should run - just run and don't look back. Then buy a ring and give it to her, jewelry softens an angry woman's temper like nothing else. It is not because a woman is after presents. Anything that represents something that you remembered her would do. After all, it’s the thoughts that count! And for women, whenever you get angry, don’t count the thoughts yet, count one to a hundred to lower the anger before you say something harsh that you might regret forever.

Of all the things happening, most especially during misunderstanding and war between you and your partner, pray that anger would ease. Temper produces anger, and anger is a product of the devil to destroy families. There’s no one else better to approach during these times than God Who knows how to bring back the harmony to your relationship.

“Better a patient man than a warrior,
a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.”
- Proverbs 16:32 (NIV)